A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: My Pop Culture Resolutions (2014 Edition)

As we usher in a new year, our first without Dick Clark stroking through the last 15 seconds of the countdown and yet another with Jenny McCarthy being as unappealing as usual, we need to make our new year’s resolutions. I for one don’t understand the idea of new year’s resolutions like "exercising more" or "picking up undercover cops dressed as street walkers on corners," but let’s make some pop culture resolutions.

Let’s Cut Back on Miley Cyrus
Ugh, I despise this broad. Ryan Seacrest spent the whole night convincing us Miley Cyrus' appearance on New Year’s Eve was going to be scandalous. If you consider dancing with a midget (or short person) scandalous, then it was. I found her performance rather tepid. Then again, I think her music sucks anyways — I’d rather listen to Celine Dion. Also, does anyone think she looks super trashy with that hairstyle?

Stop Funding Awful Adam Sandler Movies 
Ever since Chris Farley OD’d on blow, it’s been Adam Sandler’s mission to make sure David Spade appears in low grade comedies written and starring men in their 40s and 50s while acting like they're 9 years old. Over the last few years, the world could have lived without Jack and Jill or Grown Ups or even Grown Ups 2. The worst thing is that you morons keep going to these films, thinking it’s a laugh a second! Shame on you!

Get Over Our Obsession with Talking About Jennifer Lawrence’s Curves 
Christina Hendricks' days of being the most famous "curvy" girl in Hollywood are over. Now we can’t get enough talking about how “curvy” Jennifer Lawrence is. I hate how bitchy and catty this gets. For one thing, I think it’s in poor taste to just up and label these girls. Secondly, how is Lawrence constantly knocked for her appearance? She’s normal; let her be.

Speaking of getting over ...

End Our Tim Tebow Craze 
Coming from a guy who makes a living with sports, no one deserves this much attention for sucking at a sport and not getting laid for it. We get it, Tim Tebow’s a Christian and he doesn’t do blow or go to strip clubs with a gun or sleep with half the Laker Girls. He's just a below-average quarterback who will invade our TVs with probably subpar analysis. Don’t horn in on Joey Harrington’s new gig.

NBC Needs a New Focus on Comedy
Okay, Community is back. Parks and Recreation is in its prime. Outside of that, no network has crappier comedies than the Peacock. Sean Hayes' show is about as funny as a root canal and Michael J. Fox’s revival should be put to sleep. It seems like the only prerequisite to have a comedy on NBC is to be super friends with Lorne Michael or to have been a star on the network 20 years ago.

Say what you will about CBS, their comedies suck but they know how to get dumb middle Americans to watch them. ABC and FOX are using very funny comedians to attract a younger niche-like audience. NBC needs to get with the times, maybe pick up the comedy show Popculturology Editor in Chief Bill Kuchman and I devised in college? (Send us a tweet, Lorne.)

More Bill Murray
You can never have enough Bill Murray. To quote Bill Haverchuk, he’s like the funniest man alive. Again, Bill Murray is hilarious. Chevy Chase, not so much.

I expect these resolutions to be broken in the same regards that you went to the gym once, then went to Olive Garden to celebrate. God, you’re pathetic! I bet you couldn't do one mile on the reclined bike.