A Scott Pukos Pop-Ed: The Definitive Super Bowl Drinking Game

Click a Popculturology link about the Super Bowl … take a shot. 

We’re off to a solid start here.

Aside from being the biggest sports event of the year, the Super Bowl is also a top moment in pop culture. You have commercials fighting to be the scuttlebutt Monday morning at the water cooler, trailers for summer blockbusters, a halftime spectacle and even a Puppy Bowl. As an added bonus, the past few years have delivered fantastic games. As a second added bonus, my homemade barbecue chicken pizza was a huge hit last year, and I’m planning an encore.

Anyway, I think the main point here is that an event this big deserves a drinking game of similar magnitude. And that’s what I’m here for.

Note: If you don’t drink, are underage or just think drinking games are for immature doofuses, you can still play along! Just substitute the booze with the juice of your choice. (My suggestion: Go big, get blood orange juice. Sure, it’s expensive, but as Parks and Recreation has taught us, sometimes you need to treat yo self!)

First off, if you’re a Buffalo Bills fan like me, just start off with a few shots of something strong. Browns, Lions, Vikings and Chiefs fans can join in as well.

Next, let’s cover the easy ones. You’re obviously drinking at the sight of any relatives of Peyton Manning, anytime there’s a replay of Richard Sherman’s glorious post NFC Championship Game freak-out, or anytime someone at your Super Bowl party says they’re watching just for the commercials.

Speaking of those commercials, the following deserve an increase in your alcohol intake: Ads featuring animals, babies, talking babies, talking animals and boobs. If there are talking boobs, take two drinks.

If we’re an hour into the game, and the announcers have not mentioned that both Colorado and Washington have legalized marijuana, take a shot (or if you’re in those states, take a hit). If someone at your gathering makes the obligatory “I want to smoke a super bowl” joke, toss them a pity laugh … then shotgun a beer (funnels are also acceptable).

If you’re staring at Twitter more than the game: 1. Follow me at @scottpukos or even @ByScottPukos. 2. #TakeaDrink.

If you’re feeling a little buzzed now, remember to pace yourself. Popculturology is not responsible for your future hangover.

And now, a special one for Bills fans: Try not to remind yourself that Buffalo picked T.J. Graham before Russell Wilson in the 2012 draft. If you do remind yourself, chug a Labatt’s.

If you see a commercial for a Liam Neeson movie, quote Taken for at least the next few commercials. Then take a drink. If it’s followed by a commercial for a film featuring Kevin Costner, double up that drink.

I just started watching New Girl (thanks Netflix!), and I’m liking it a lot. So, you don’t have to drink during the promos for the after-the-game episode of the sitcom. But, if you’ve ever pronounced Zooey Deschanel as "Zoo-E," you should probably just take a drink out of principle (Note: I just took a drink).

Halftime: If you think The Black Keys would be the perfect Super Bowl halftime show, reward yourself with a drink. But seriously, the Akron duo has the perfect balance of awesomeness, relevance and popularity to play the halftime show. I think it would be a given that Jack White would join them on stage as well and blitz through the most rocking halftime show ever.

If you think Bruno Mars is cooler than Veronica Mars, you’re wrong. Drink something gross. Chase it with something equally as gross.

If the Red Hot Chili Peppers play “Suck My Kiss,” have a dance party. If someone refuses to air guitar, they take a drink.

If the game is not close at the start of the third quarter, spice things up by taking a drink.

If you’re bummed that there’s no new episode of True Detective on this week, get some of that delicious Buffalo chicken wing dip. You deserve it.

Oh, if some jerk starts yelling out “Omaha” every time the Broncos have the ball, laugh loudly like a crazy person/slap your hand on your knee until they stop. (If you have liquid in your mouth, do an exaggerated spit-take.) Just do whatever it takes to get them to cease that nonsense. Celebrate with a drink.

If the refs screw up (and let’s face it, they definitely will), tweet something snarky. You don’t even need to drink here, because this may be a frequent one. But if you prefer, finish your drink.

If Peyton Manning rushes for more yards than Russell Wilson, recognize that you’re in Bizarro World. Drink a Bizarro beer. (It’s just a normal beer … but consumed with a crazy straw!)

It’s the fourth quarter now, and if the announcers have yet to mention the weather, binge drink the nearest beer.

If you haven’t taken a bathroom break yet either, you’re a machine. You may also have something wrong with you. Still, take two drinks.

If the game comes down to a last second field goal, then it means this is a great Super Bowl!

If the Seahawks win, blast Nirvana and drink everything.

If the Broncos win, blast John Denver and drink everything.

If you predict the exact score before the start of the game (Ex: Seattle 29, Denver 26), you may have some untapped precognitive abilities. That is very cool. Celebrate by knocking off a few brain cells with a depth charge.

If you’re reading this during the Super Bowl, you’re my favorite. I’ll take a drink in your honor.