My Best Picture: The Non-Viewers Guide to Best Picture

It’s so hard to stay up-to-date on what movies you should watch. Every Friday, several new movies open up, and if you’re like me, you can never see them all. Well, considering I work most nights broadcasting, I never have time to see films in theaters. The only ones I saw were The Avengers and Moonrise Kingdom (which was a Red Box viewing).

Nevertheless, our fearless leader, Bill Kuchman, the czar of Popculturology, asked me to breakdown the nominees for Best Picture. I owe him as much to give you the best interpretation of these top films of 2012.

Zero Dark Thirty
Okay, this much I know: The Marines, lead by Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt of Parks and Recreation fame) go out and kill Osama Bin Laden. I take it this is a more uplifting war film, which unlike A Bridge Too Far, is easier for Americans to interpret.

Amour
Wait. This is in French? Oh the hell with this film. (Popculturology note: This outburst from Seth is not directed at any French-speaking people. We apologize for any offense French-speaking people had with his reaction to the language of the film. See, Seth comes from a quaint home, where he still has to work through dial-up Internet. He uses his attempt at humor as a coping mechanism to mask his insecurities.)

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Upon first view of the title, I thought it would be something racial, like In The Heat of the Night. It just screams bigotry. Some kid was nominated for best actress, and that kid's name is not Tatum O’Neal.

Django Unchained
How have I not seen this film yet? I love a Quentin Tarantino film. He incorporated everything I love about America: gun-play, General Motors products, 1970s pop songs, racial slurs, Harvey Keitel. I hope Samuel L. Jackson has a line where he tells Christoph Waltz's character that, "I'm in the friendly confines of an Oldsmobile."

Life of Pi
This looks stupid. You got some idiot in a boat with a tiger. How is that supposed to be entertaining for two hours? I thought The English Patient was stupid. (It was.) It'd be better if the film was more like Pi.

Silver Linings Playbook 
Everyone loves Bradley Cooper. Well, I take it he plays a guy living in Philadelphia, training to be invited to Eagles training camp. Dick Vermeil has an open tryout, and Cooper's character is the only guy to be invited and makes the Eagles roster. Wait — is there any football in this film?

Lincoln
Steven Spielberg, who you know from E.T. and Jaws fame, takes you on the greatest ride of his career. He had Daniel Day-Lewis play Abraham Lincoln, but not Abraham Lincoln: Vampire- or Zombie-Hunter. Lincoln, as I would assume, does not tell people they were "bastards in a basket" or "I drink your milkshake" and proceed to beat people to death with a bowling pin. Honestly, I would wait for the book based on this movie.

Argo
Based on a true story, Ben Affleck (Reindeer Games, Mallrats) directs and stars in a movie about a rescue during the Iranian Hostage Situation in 1979. Now, I know Affleck is a Democrat, but let me just say that Jimmy Carter was history's greatest monster. I mean, he was willing to let those people stay trapped all the while Ronald Reagan was letting George H.W. Bush sell arms to the contras and Middle East. We were looking to use that as leverage to take hold of all the oil fields in the Middle East. Then his son had to start a war to not only cap Saddam Hussein, but also bring our gas prices to under $2 again. I hope that part is in the film. Malaise forever!

Les Miserables 
In English, I believe the film is translated as "the miserable people." Those French people are never happy. First they hate fighting in hockey, then they don’t help out in World War II ... (Popculturology note: The rest of this article has been removed and deemed inappropriate for any website audience. As mentioned earlier, Seth suffers from many psychological afflictions that result in him lashing out at the French, people with two last names and firefighters. He means well, though.)