A Seth Pohorence Pop-Ed: Black Friday Is the Worst

If there is one thing I can say with relative ease, it's that I hate Black Friday. Christmas is amazing, unless you'er Jewish, then it’s just a month's worth of planning what movie you plan on seeing that day. For us Christians, atheists and people who think they are atheists but are just apathetic Christians, Christmas is the greatest holiday ever. Again, sorry Jewish people. We watch movies about some fat man from up north who legally trespasses into our homes via chimney, and eat awful sugar-based foods to help encourage diabetes.

Somehow, we start off the season on a sour note, jamming as many people into the malls to help us forget that Thanksgiving is a holiday when we should be interacting with our families, not fighting standing in line at the mall.

It’s the worst.

Having been in a position working a retail job at the mall, I've seen people being the lowest form of excrement. They freak out over the avalanche of deals and sales. They call you terrible things. One time, a lady told me to go "fuck myself" because I refused to give her an item for free. They act like animals. Not even the smart animals like a dolphin or a bobcat.

It’s unbelievable.

Granted, I do find it hilarious to see those mad rushes at the door, which lead to the sensational news stories on CNN. I mean c'mon, this is where people need to be smart. They should treat it like fighting for a loose puck in a hockey game and strap on elbow pads and shoulder pads and just fight their way in.

Of course, this fad has really increased the last ten years. Long past are the days of parents fighting for Cabbage Patch Kids or Tickle Me Elmos. Now it's gotten so bad that Wal-Mart sends a royal middle finger to employees and their families by being open on Thanksgiving. At least K-Mart gave their folks a two-hour window to go home and eat some Turkeylog. At this rate we will have stores open from midnight Thanksgiving morning to midnight Saturday with endless deals.

Now call me old fashion, but I prefer to buy my loved ones gift from the Internet. I’ll do all my shopping from my bathrobe and footy pajamas while you idiots get killed or maced so you can get a Sega Dreamcast for $30. Is this what General George Washington fought for?